how to suck at meditating

1. Find a quiet spot where you can be alone, like the empty Walmart lot by your office where the truckers park to nap.

2. Put out your cigarette. Close your eyes. Breathe deeply.

3. As your thoughts arise, let them go. Imagine them floating away down a river.

4. But what are they floating on? Your thoughts feel so heavy when you have to carry them around all day. If they sink, that defeats the purpose. Place your thoughts on tiny rafts, and float them down the river.


5. But where are they heading? The river is going somewhere — to the ocean, or connecting to another river, or over a cliff. Holy shit, a waterfall — yes, that’s it. Send your tiny thought rafts over a waterfall.

6. There are rocks at the bottom of the waterfall. The thought rafts hit the rocks and break apart. The thoughts explode like water balloons. The sunlight hitting the water creates prisms in midair.

7. Some thoughts are tougher than others, surrounded by the skin of an avocado rather than the skin of a grape. They can’t make it out of this meditation fantasy alive. Little cherubs on the riverbank beat more persistent thoughts with clubs until they explode and dissolve into the air.

8. This is rich; what is really, REALLY bothering you? Think of that, and send it over the waterfall so the armed cherubs can destroy it. That sounds good, real good — do that.

9. You are great at meditating. You are so creative. You deserve a pat on the back. This is it — you’re doing it, you’re really doing it. Your head is clear, thanks to the waterfall and and the rocks and the cherub thugs. You can’t wait to do this again tomorrow. It’s time to go back to work, but your whole body feels heavy — you’ll stop in a minute, in just a minute.

10. Wake up — you’re late to work.


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Filed under a motherfucking fucking spiritual journey

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